Sunday, January 27, 2008

Live look in

We’re coming at you with a new feature we hope to do more often than not. It’s nothing groundbreaking but a good read we think. We’re calling it “Live look in.” It’s pretty much TKOT on the town. We sit bar top and talk about our evening. Like Q says; “The whole point is to scout out some local establishments and either criticize them or sing their praises. That and tell of our drunken adventures.”

First stop: “Bonfire”- Eagan, MN

Q: We talked about this a little last night, but why exactly haven't we gone to this place more often?

Fuzz: Because Yahoo maps just told me it's .49 miles away from our house. Why should we go to a good atmosphere bar that's less than a half a mile away? Oh wait.

Q: Yeah, it's not your typical "sports bar", but it has good beer prices, a number of flat screen TV's with sports playing at all times, plus trivia. Really it's just like Champps, but with a darker atmosphere and pricier food--oh yeah, and Cougars prowling all over the joint...

Fuzz: I think you phrased it: "Cougar City." It should be expected though. We live in the burbs and not in the city. Single mothers, unfaithful wives and every other older woman that wants to be seen in this neighborhood---Bonfire is the place. What's funny is that we were just planning on staying for the Gopher hoop game and heading somewhere else. Then when other plans either fell through or weren't as appealing, "cougar city" started to sound alright for the night

Q: I'd been there a couple of times before just to grab lunch or a quick beer and I had noticed a large amount of good looking older ladies. What I didn't know is that they're always there. I'd much rather have that kind of scenery than the annoying bachelorette parties and collar-popping frat dudes that you find in every single bar Downtown. We weren't looking for that kind of party. We just wanted a place to drink a couple beers and watch the Gopher game. Of course, the bartenders apparently thought we were there to get wasted, didn't they?

Fuzz: Definitely! Most people are in nice restaurant clothing and we're in "T's" sitting bar top looking about 6-7 years younger than anyone else in the bar. After about two drinks apiece, two waters magically appeared in front of us. Neither of asked for them but the woman bartender pretty much said: "Drink these mother fuckers because you ain't puking here tonight." I thought that was really funny. Two twenty somethings sitting at "sniffers row" with nothing but a cocktail in front of them. Word was sent in from the manager---two waters pronto! Of course Joe was on our side...

Q: Ah yes, "Joe". I don't know if other people do this as often as we do, but we had to give the guy a name before we knew his name. So he officially became known as Joe, even after we found out his real name. He was all about us ponying up and getting after it. He was quick to see if we were ready for the next round, and I believe he made your whiskey-water's a little bit "better" than the female bartender, yes? No doubt about it, that guy was a cool dude, and that's a very important factor in picking a place to become a regular. For me, there are a few things that I look for in a bar of choice. In no particular order, they are: fair prices, decent happy hour deals, quality televisions (emphasis on the plural) with sports playing at all times, friendly/cool bartenders, and a decent selection of beers. The CC had all of those things, and that is why we are leaning towards becoming regulars there.

Fuzz: Regulars seem to be in our cards after our little trip down the street. Saturday night probably wasn't the best night to pick for $$$ wise. No one has deals on Saturday night. We confirmed with Joe on some other nights that would suit us better so Cougar City is still in the cards even after the $110 bill we rang up. That's before tip. Personally, I spent $70. It doesn't help that I had the "drunk & dirty sirloin" (the real name of a steak there and the exact way I like my women), seven whiskeys and a late night woodfire pizza before I left. Yeah partner, we need to pick one of those happy hour nights next time. They did have a band though, they weren't bad, were they?

Q: I almost forgot about the band. Visually, they had a very odd look to them. As they were setting up, I noticed that there were a couple of older gentlemen getting ready to rock out the guitar and keyboard. I made a comment that a band like this needed a hot female singer. Not even 5 minutes later, up on stage is just that--an attractive female lead. They still looked weird with the old balls on the guitar and keyboard (Joe thought he might be the organist from the local church--now that's funny), as well as the guy on the fake drums with a microphone, though he never sang. But I have to give credit where it's due, they were pretty good, the girl had a great voice (she rocked a Carrie Underwood song), and they covered popular songs that everyone in the bar was digging. As an added bonus, the guy sitting next to me at the bar said they weren't even as good as some of the other bands that frequent The CC.

Fuzz: Ok, that's a softball that I'm about to hit out of the park. You set me up perfectly here. Speaking of that gentleman next to you---100% queer. He sits down directly next to Q and I told him I see that chump at Lifetime Fitness all the time. 30 seconds later he's tapping on your shoulder. The first line out of his mouth was: "You look like you workout, do you workout at Lifetime?" Floored me. Q continued to flirt with him for 3-4 minutes while I tried my best not to laugh hysterically. It's amazing what you see bar top. I think it's one of the best people watching/interacting venues in life. You always walk away with some story when you're on the front line. Anyways, after the lovefest ended the guy went on to eat three hard-boiled eggs, which they provide free of charge. They stunk up the whole joint. The whole scene just killed me. If that wasn't weird enough another regular not cute cougar sat next to me and read the personals from the Citypages. Not joking. I felt like we were being tested.

Q: I knew you were going to mention this story eventually, so I figured we'd get it over with. Yes, the guy seemed to clearly be hitting on me. No, I did not flirt back as Fuzz is suggesting. I politely answered his questions because I'm not an asshole and that was that. How about the fact that after hitting on me, the guy had a pretty nice looking Cougar interacting with him for the rest of the night. Not sure if that was a cover or not, but it was a bit odd. Almost as odd as a bar having free hard-boiled eggs just sitting out for your eating pleasure. I've been to bars that have popcorn, pretzels, and peanuts sitting out for us on, as Fuzz called it, sniffer's row. Eggs though? How is this a good idea? I'm even a fan of hard-boiled eggs, but at the bar? Not good. The smell was really bad. At least they did have some pretty solid peanuts also available. Fuzz was eating them like they were going out of style, so he's probably the one who should shout their praises.

Fuzz: Out of all the cats on the prowl last night, only one really intrigued us, wouldn't you say? I think if you're going to go home with a 40 year old that they better have the goods. That could be just me, but what's the point of taking home a rough around the edges 40-some? Maybe we should write a column called "cougar rules." What do you think? We could even get actual quotes from actual cougars on what they look for too.

Q: Not only is that a great idea, but it would be a great conversation starter for us to use at the CC. Obviously before we write the cougar rules, we'll have to do a lot more research. And if that means sitting at the bar at least once a week drinking with, chatting with, and generally observing cougars in their natural habitat, then that's a sacrifice we'll have to make...You are right about there only being one that would have been worth the effort. Unfortunately, as is usually the case, she was with what looked to be a beast of a woman who may or may not have been a man at one point in its life.

Fuzz: Her friend was a softball player in high school, no doubt. I like the research idea. We need to put out a code to follow by when hunting and bagging cougars. Bonfire is an ideal place for this research too. Joe told us Friday nights are good for specials and for a better crowd. Of course the "bar back" who looked like Donnie Brasco warned us about bagging cougars.

Actually he told the guy next to us, but we listened attentively to his words. He was talking about the Citypages woman that happened to be sitting across the bar now and was giving Donnie the eye. He told us, you go home with her, and she’s here every night stalking the shit of you. Cougars like her are crazy. So we need to find a sane cougar.

Q: Couldn't agree with you more. This isn't something that you rush into, unless you want to deal with a Glenn Close/Fatal Attraction type of thing. We also can't have tunnel vision and just do our "research" at Bonfire. We'll need to stake out other locations so that we can be well informed and prepared before undertaking such an important task. So let's give the readers a little heads up here. When and where are you thinking for the next “Live Look In?”

Fuzz: Don't have a set date yet but it will be soon. Our readers could even do a “Voices from a Stranger/Live look in” from another bar in the Twin Cities region. Sniffer row stories and Cougars are everywhere. I'm out but it should be noted that next “Live look in”; I'll be bringing a notepad because I know I missed a lot. The seven whiskeys will do that. I would like to leave with the first cougar rule being: If cougar bounces around between multiple places on bar top, stay away. She's desperate and crazy.

Q: That is a great first rule that we witnessed first hand. Also, I want the readers to understand that the “Live Look In's” aren't going to just be about attractive older women, we’ll report anything we see. The clientele at “Bonfire” were older women. Well partner, that should about do it until the next time we're saddled up at the bar. Seacrest, out.


Sow Cow said...

Nice work, guys. Hit very close to home!

I am a regular at the Outback Steakhouse in Roseville, and I have similar experiences every time I'm there. It satisfies all of your criteria for greatness (minus the TV situation, which is not great), but the deals more than make up for the pre-HD television sets.

One piece of advice I have for you is to befriend the bartenders as much as you can! I did that at Outback, and there are some nights where a normally hundred dollar tab costs me $20 (and even when I don't get hooked up, they have 2 for 1's every night from 4-7 and 1/2 off apps).

I think you should have Baltzer write a guest post about his experiences at Throwbacks in Woodbury... that place is like a "who's who" in Cougardom. Combine that with the fact that every person over 35 absolutely loves KB, and you've got the makings for an legendary column.

Also, I like the term Cougar City... I dubbed my local bar (the old KFAN, which switched to "Big City" and then to Majors, and is now known as Grumpy's) the "Cougar Cove".

I think Cougar chasing is the Chubby chasing of the new millenium.

Buddha said...

Sounded like another great date for you two!! Although it almost got broken up with Q's "friend" from the gym. You better watch out fuzz, because they may be working out together more than you know. I'm just glad your not the jealous type.

Great work on the piece itself!

IRS said...

I hope you don't plan on writing that bar bill off on your taxes!!

Kent said...

Nice work, boys. But neither of you two could bag a cougar with a 9 inch dildo in your pocket. Might want to lower your standards a bit boys...