Monday, August 20, 2007

Eerily Similar

As I watched the Twins put up another futile effort to be a real baseball team last night, I realized that the more I watch them, the more Major League quotes I thought of. And it’s not because I think we’re going to make another magical run to the playoffs on the last day of the season (an eerie comparison in its own right), but rather because they remind me so much of the team at the beginning of the movie. You know, when they sucked? So, in a far from original idea, I present to you a number of quotes from that classic flick and how they relate to your Minnesota Twins.

“One hit. That’s all we got, one goddamn hit?!”
I cannot tell you how many times this quote has occurred to me over the last month or so as I watched our completely ineffective offense get absolutely dominated by the likes of Paul Byrd, Jeff Weaver, and last night, Horacio Ramirez (he of the 7.38 ERA on the season, including a 13.50 ERA on the road).

“You may run like Mays, but you hit like s***”
Ok, so my dislike of Nick Punto has already been documented, and I don’t want to sound like a broken record, but this is too easy. Little Nicky is hovering just above that infamous Mendoza line, but despite that decrepit hitting, he does have 15 stolen bases. The kid can fly, there’s no doubting that. The problem is that he’s never on base to use that wicked speed.

“Hit the ball on the ground and leg it out.”
This obviously could be yet another dig at our favorite light hitting leprechaun, Nick Punto, but I’m going to let him off the hook here. This one is reserved for Alexi Casilla. If he’s going to be the second baseman of the future, he needs to find ways to get on base and utilize his speed. Bunts, infield hits, HBP’s, walks, slap singles, etc. should all be in his arsenal. He needs to spend more time watching tape on how Luis Castillo plays rather than, well, you know who…

“I’ve never heard of half of these guys. And, the ones I do know are way past their prime. Most of these guys never had a prime.”
For the average Twins fan, I think this thought enters their mind quite often. As injuries and inconsistent hitting hamper this team, we fill in with the likes of Josh Rabe, Garrett Jones, Tommy Watkins, Brian Buscher, Carmen Cali, etc. A pretty significant portion of Twins Territory has probably never heard of these guys before this year. And then, of course, we sign guys that never even had something you could call a “prime”: Tony Batista, Juan Castro, Phil Nevin, Sidney Ponson, Ramon Ortiz, Rondell White…the list could go on, but this is getting depressing.

“This guy here is dead. Cross him off then.”
I guarantee this conversation has taken place in the Twins front office between Carl Pohlad and some other Twins executive at some point over the last few years. Guarantee.

“I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid.”
This is the pitching report that every team has for Richie Sexson. Every team but the Twins apparently. For the season (122 games) he’s hitting a Punto-like .211 with 19 HR and 58 RBI. In nine games against the Twins, however, he’s hitting .270 with 3 HR and 8 RBI. For the statheads out there, that’s 15% of his HR total and 14% of his RBI total just against us. Figure it out.

“I've had it with this nickel and dime stuff! I want that b**** on the phone!”
If you saw this quote in the Star Tribune and were told that it was from Ron Gardenhire, would you be even remotely surprised? Or even Terry Ryan for that matter? Me either. C’mon Carl, open up that dusty, unused wallet and keep this team in contention for the foreseeable future.

“I'm hung over, my knees are killin' me and if you're going to pull this s*** at least you could've said you were from the Yankees!”
Ok, so this doesn’t really have anything to do with the 2007 version of the Twins, but this is what I envision Roger Clemens’ reaction would be to Terry Ryan calling him up during spring training to see if he’d be interested in joining the club.


Tank said...

Best article thus far.

NBA Fan said...

Even though its from Major League 2, you forgot "Give me Vaughn----You mean Rick Vaughn?" This must be what Mauer thinks everytime Gardenhire signals for Juan Rincon.

Fuzz said...

"Charlie Donovan": Vaughn's been looking good out there today.
"Rachel Phelps": Don't worry, he'll blow it.

First off great piece Q. Second, this quote could pertain to Carlos Silva. He's good for about a two hitter through five innings, then we get the four run blow up in inning six. I love the Twins.