Fantasy Draft recap

We're off to another year of fantasy...

Below is a recap of my auction fantasy draft that happened about two weeks ago at my house. I’m in four leagues (stupid, I know) but this one is the league with my college friends. It’s been pretty much the same guys with only a couple replacements for like eight years now. It’s one of those leagues you know is going to be around when we’re popping little diamond shape blue pills and visiting the doctor for something adults call a Colonoscopy. Side note to Johnny: This is a procedure where you get a “little” fiber optic camera shoved up your anus when you’re like 50. Something for you to look forward too...

If my memory serves me right, I believe we had 13 guys at the draft (two ladies showed up way later, but they don’t count on a night like this). I say this, because we had a keg. We always have a keg for this draft; it’s tradition. However, most of us have decreased in tolerance since our college days, it doesn’t matter though, you never break (good) tradition. So, we had the 10 fantasy participants: Wenner, Rock, Marx, Q, Dogg, Fuzz, Moe, Haag, Johnny, & Merks. Plus three extra guys along for the ride: Hill, Krebs and Reno. Hill and Reno were nothing more then moral supporters and beer drinkers. Cori however is on the payroll. He is our auctioneer. Third year running. Anyways, we had 13 guys, four hours, one keg (an average of about 13 beers per person) and 5,846 poor decisions related and unrelated to fantasy football. Got to get a keg though, tradition...

Broken into two divisions: Hanks & Tools (we think highly of ourselves). The Hanks are Wenner, Marx, Fuzz, Moe & Haag. The (really big) Tools are Rock, Q, Dogg, Johnny & Merks. Let’s start with the Hanks...

Hanks Division

Wenner- Team name: Vick in a Box. Waaoh you know it’s Christmas and my heart is open wide…. kidding back to Wenner’s actual team and night. Have to love the name change, now that Vick (who he drafted) will be in federal prison for 12-18. Nice flyer. Wenner moved back to St. Cloud so it’s been a while since we’ve seen the guy. Showed up in a button down and “the” red Twins hat. Some things never change. What also didn’t change were funny smart-ass comments, pen throws and drafting Tony Gonzalez. Got to love the classic Wenner type line at the end of the night: “I have a game for us, I’ll throw out a position and you guys tell me if I have a weakness in that position. Remind you that this will be the fastest game ever because my team doesn’t have any weaknesses.” However, none of us were focused enough to dissect his team at this point, so we just blank stared him.

Upon further review now, his weaknesses are at the wide receiver position. He has Steve Smith, the real one. But, beyond Stevie, it’s flash in the pan Cotchery and old balls banged up Glenn who graduated from Ohio State in ‘74. Wenner’s points will come from Palmer, Henry, Westbrook and Smith. If Henry isn’t shit, he’s going to need to make a trade in order for this team to be a legit threat. Not a trade like last year where he GAVE AWAY LT to Haag for a pack of Kool-Aid and a snap bracelet. Preseason Rank: #7. Highlight of the night: Singing the “Old School” version of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” at the bar after the draft. I fucking need you now tonight...


Marx- TN- Car RamRod. Pre draft conversation from Marx with another member, “How much money is this league? Oh screw it, I don’t care what it is, I’m paying it. It’s the best league and the best night of the year.” He was jacked to say the least. I could also tell he was jacked when he emailed me not once but twice during the week to make sure that he could crash at my place. It was the most predetermined drunk thing I’ve ever seen. 100% Marx was getting shit-faced.

Historically, Marx hasn’t done much in this league. One of those guys you like to have in your league. Easy money. Not so much anymore though, he’s learned a few things. I’d even say he had his best draft ever and he still kind of blew it. Steve Jax, McGahee, Fitzgerald and Roy are a hell of a top four. But he’s the guy that had five dollars left and still needed five guys. Always one in the group. Everyone was halfway to the bar or pissing in the bushes when Marx still needed 30% of his team. Hilarious. Preseason Rank: #5. Highlight of the night- Wearing a cut-off shirt. Not just any cut-off. It looked like he just played three hours of pick up ball down at the local YMCA with the guy from “Along came Polly” and rolled over. Did you wear that to the bar? I have no idea...

Fuzz- TN- Fuzznuts. I was the host house for the event. I was thinking of pulling an OutKast and getting a stripper pole installed like we saw in their house on MTV cribs but I couldn’t find a vendor fast enough. Sorry fellas. Anyways, I never know what to say about myself in these recaps. It’s like having an overweight lady in too short of a skirt with outdated glasses asking you what your strengths and weaknesses are in an interview. It’s tough. So, I guess I’ll say I’ve sucked the last two years in this league, missing playoffs both years. Laugh out loud bad. I don’t know if it’s the auction format (we went to it two years ago) or just bad luck. Either way, I feel that I’ve had my best team in the last three years. Let’s hope, I mean, I hope I’m right...


The main reason for this optimism is I bid very high to get LT. $47 out of my $100 to be exact. To be honest, it was rumored that he was going for $50, so my $47 was a push bid to keep it going. I was wrong and going once, twice, sold came very fast! After a few minutes of shock where I shredded my typed “strategy,” pounded a beer (kidding, I’m a pussy, I didn’t slam a beer), I came around on the LT pick. He’s the best player in the league and he can repeat the best performance EVER like he did last year right? Right!?!?!? I’m banking on a few of players to pan out, out of Portis, Deuce, Ward, Driver, Reggie Brown and long shot Kevin Jones. Hey Q? Remember to walk over to my room and place that trophy on my TV stand in December. Thanks. Preseason rank: #3. Highlight of the night- Having Dogg spill a full beer on my fantasy book pretty much making it useless. Then watching him put in a monster chew before he said or did anything about it. It was great.

Moe- TN- Bevo. Message Board Moe. Moe is one of the main contributors to our league message board. You can always count on him to stir things up with inappropriate comments that are laced with the effenheimer. For example (posted two days before our draft): “I will win this. Marx and Haag, fuck off!!! Q, my prediction for you is that you don't even make playoffs this year. Dogg, suck my D!” Told you. He just lit up four guys in one line. He’s amazing! Here’s another beauty from last year: “Haag, Lee Evans would be the best WR on your team! That’s the fuckin' point numbnuts. I'm pretty sure I offered Colston and TO in trades as well, you were just a tight ass and would not give up a back. You are just Scrooge McDuck trying to fuck everybody over. Suck my D!” Haag got JACKED UP! Moe is as much of sure bet for popping off on the message board as Q is for making out with random sluts at VFW’s when the girls boyfriends are 10 feet away. Good as gold...

As for his team, he’s got a very good one to start the season. LJ, MJD, Ronnie, Boldin, Evans and S. Moss are his core. If Vinny Chase (Young) breaks the Madden curse and has a good sophomore year, Moe could be the favorite heading into playoffs. Preseason rank: #1. Highlight of the night- drafting the best team and confirming we are leaving in the Twilight Zone.

Haag- TN- Dutch Ovens. If you haven’t paid any attention or were living in a Sadaam bunker the last eight years, Haag has easily been the most consistent good fantasy owner in our league. He competes every damn year. I really don’t think he’s missed the playoffs. Very Atlanta Braves like during their conference title run, even down to the fact that they both have one championship belt. Haag made quite an effort getting to the draft, driving non-stop all day Friday to make the 7:00 start. Dedication at it’s fullest. Haag is Hanks & Tools though, so I don’t see how he couldn’t be there. He’s like Dumbledore in Harry Potter...ok, wrong crowd. He’s like Vince McMahon of the WWE. That’s better. Out of any owner, he garners the most respect...

Saying that, this is the most out of the ordinary team he’s drafted ever! (Side note: Did the Miller Lite keg poison some people and not others? I mean Moe & Marx drafted well. Two-time defending champ Q choked ((more on this later)) and Haag switched up his draft strategy. WTF?) Haag usually goes for proven commodities that will get his consistent points, i.e. Rudi & LT last year. This year, he’s going young. Addai, Lynch, Colston, A. Johnson, Javon Walker, Norwood and Jennings. Wide-eyed players everywhere in that line. He’s hoping for no sophomore slumps and good rookie campaigns. Preseason rank: #6. Highlight of the night- Getting top five quarterback Thomas Brady for $4! Four effing dollars. The SOD going into the regular season.

Tools Division


Rock- TN- Nibb High. The best way to describe Rock in these auction drafts is to compare him to the Washington Redskins owner, Daniel Snyder. You could say Mark Cuban or George Steinbrenner and even though they are overspending owners, they usually spend their money on good proven players. Snyder doesn’t just throw money at anyone, but he’ll overpay a guy just so he gets him. That’s our Rock for you. So, when Rock asked me what to bring over to my house for the draft, I responded with: “Nothing more then your aggressive bidding.” Rock fired back immediately with, “Consider that done, all eyes on LT.” Another thing you need to know about this snake, is that he’s a hell of a sales man. As the old saying goes, he could sell ice to an Eskimo. Well, he sold me, that dirty bastard. This is where I thought $50 was a lock! Nope, Rock did his research on a plane ride coming back from a sales trip. Didn’t say a peep when LT was thrown on the table. He just sat there with a shit grin sprayed across his face. For the first time in our eight-year history, Rock had a “game plan.” WTF?

This newfound attitude forced him in grabbing guys who have put up the stats before. Shaun, Rudi, Holt and Gates are his boys. All four of those guys, if healthy (in Shaun’s case) have put up numbers consistently. Apparently, this thinking JUST came to him now. It’s like a person getting their first cell phone today. Better late then never I guess. Preseason rank: #4. Highlight of the night- Selling (weird) the majority of the group in taking an Evan Williams shot. If you don’t know what the EW is, it’s a cheaper version of Jack Daniels. It was like drinking turpentine.

Q- TN- Cube. Two time defending champ said this midway through the draft: “Fuzz, my team fucking sucks!” See ya Q! Honestly, his team does kind of suck. We need some new fingerprints on that trophy. I’m We’re hoping that Q gets back to the days of the nickname “entry fee” then this crap he’s been pulling the last two years. He was in the cellar for years, now he’s unstoppable. It would be like seeing the Royals pop off two quick championships the next two years. It came from nowhere.

He’s draft team last year in short was S. Jax, Fast Willie, Gore, Westbrook, Housh & Javon. Hmm, holy shit we were drunk last year for letting this happen. (Side note: We had our draft in Wisconsin Dells that was teamed with Merks’ bachelor party. All we had on our mind were group Yag bombs, cougar hunting and waterslides. Q pulled a fast one on us.) Compare that title team to his team this year: Barber, T. Jones, Maroney, Housh and V. Jackson. Not bad, but not nearly close to his team last year. Bottom line, he has shit bowl written all over him right now. I did say right now because you never know if he’ll pull a pre-2005 Terry Ryan type trade and rip someone off. Johnny’s the first name that popped in my head, just thought I’d share that with you. Preseason rank: #10. Highlight of the night- Playing the Ace to Wenner’s Gary in the “Total eclipse of the Heart” rendition where he just had the “turn around” part. It was cute...


Dogg- TN- Bob N Weave. Poor Dogg, he just can’t help himself sometimes. You put a keg, a Skoal tin and 12 guys in bachelor mode; Dogg is screwed with a capital S. He just has to participate, to the max. It would be like putting two feisty dogs in front of Mike Vick with a wad of sweaty money. He’s going to take part. (Too early?) Saying this, should paint a pretty picture on Dogg’s draft after about 90 minutes… it went south. Dogg’s the hired entertainment for the night though, so after some persuading, he ended up making it. I don’t know how we would have done it without a member in an auction format, but luckily he was in attendance. He stirs the pot better then anyone I know in a crowd like this. Standing at about 145 pounds doesn’t stop him from stepping to any guy at our draft...

After the buzz left him, here’s his squad: Manning, Fast Willie, and Ohco Cinco. Not bad right? Then, he goes Edge, Berrian, Chambers, Ahman Green and Lamont Jordan. Some potential, but on paper it’s a little weak. Dogg is always good for about 3-4 trades a year, so he’s not worried. Preseason rank: #8. Highlight of the night- the only time you’ll ever bench Peyton Manning is on his bye week. That’s it. So, I blame the keg being less then four feet away and the Skoal Company for Dogg drafting Hasselback AND Farve later in the night. It’s not your fault Will Hunting; it’s not your fault...

Johnny- TN- Irish. “I'm goin' to Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come, Yes, goin' to Kansas City, Kansas City, here I come, They got a crazy way a-lovin' an' a I wanna get me some.” Don’t ask me where I found that lyric to a song, just don’t. Our favorite Notre Dame lover is headed off to the booming market of KC for a few years. Our boy is all growns up; he’s all growns up. Johnny Five is leaving us, but that doesn’t mean he’s leaving this league. No siree! We need him to fight with Message Board Moe every week...

His backs are Julius Jones, Bush, T. Bell, Chester and DeAngelo. His receivers are Plaxico, Harrison, Randy, Darrell Jackson and Coles. Drew Brees throwing the pill. Who can you count on to get you solid points every week from that group? Harrison and Brees are the only ones I can see. However, he’s very deep in both the RB and WR position. Instead of spending his money on a couple guys he spread it out on a ton of players. He just needs a few to pan out or he’s back to his bar stool like Norm in the Shit bowl. Preseason rank: #9. Lowlight of the night- realizing that he’s not going to hang out with the coolest guys on the planet for the next couple years. It’s fine Johnny, it will go fast.

Merks- TN- Pig Destroyers. Mr. Fantasy I like to call this guy. It almost seems like less of a league if Merks isn’t involved. He’s also our commissioner. After the title shuffled between members, Merks has held it down for quite a bit and we do thank him for this. It’s harder then you think. Merks was an owner who just blew up our league the first 3-4 years. Posting big win totals. He’s been competing the last two years, but he’s been more in the range of finishing 3rd or 4th. I miss the cocky Merks where he would go 10-3 and post deep prideful cuts on the message board. This might be the year...

He doesn’t have a whole lot of depth, but if healthy, this team looks good. McNabb, Benson (needs to prove something, but is in an offense that loves to run), Gore, Jacobs, Cadillac, Owens & Wayne. He has a chance to put up huge numbers boys. Preseason rank: #2. Highlight of the night- Fudging the auction money on his “trusty” excel spreadsheet that somehow gave him 10 extra dollars at the end of the night. Weird. (Kidding, this probably didn’t happen, but would any of us have noticed? This is why I brought it up...)

To recap the recap, the power rankings are:
10- Q- Rebuilding year, every good thing comes to an end.
9- Johnny- Figure it out one of these years.
8- Dogg- Fantasy king my ass.
7- Wenner- Maverick requesting fly by! He needs to fly up to the top one of these years.
6- Haag- Looking beatable.
5- Marx- Is it finally his year?...
4- Rock- Or finally his?
3- Fuzz- Nope, it’s mine!!
2- Merks- Can you guarantee 10 wins?
1- Moe...got a dog. Did you guys know this? Named it Bevo.

Out,
Fuzz

P.S. It has been confirmed and one of you guys was T-bagged on draft night. Seriously.