American Idol Smack

Well, it has come to that time of the year when American Idol begins its quest for the next “big thing” or like Randy would say, “a hot one”. It’s down to the top 24, 12 men and 12 women competing on the most popular reality TV series we might ever see. It was the men’s turn on Tuesday night to show America what they have to offer.

*Readers note* This piece is dead serious. We truly like American Idol. Call it a guilty pleasure. Call it whatever you want. It's legit.

David Hernandez – AKA “Livan”. He started the show off with some pizzaz and surprisingly all 3 judges agreed that Livan came out with a bang. Simon hated him on audition night but was a little surprised on opening night with his solid performance which might mean he will continue to surprise. Q drafted him 4th overall in our American Idol fantasy draft.

Chikezie – AKA “Jacuzzi”. Simon calls him “Jacuzzi” after he gets done singing a great song horribly and says, “Jacuzzi, Chikezie, same thing”. You know you’re screwed when Simon doesn’t give one shit about calling you the wrong name. This one name shit doesn’t get you votes in this league and is a potential one and done. On a side note, he’s been cut from auditions in past years and somebody who ever get cut from their audition doesn’t stand a prayer. Also was the only colored man in the competition and even Randy said he was terrible. He unsurprisingly went un-drafted.

David Cook – AKA “Dane Cook”. One of those outcasts type of guys who sang well but kind of went unnoticed which Simon says is always a bad thing. The judges pretty much said he was benchmark but expected him to be around next week. “Pain don’t hurt” is his favorite quote so I can respect him for now until he gets voted off. I drafted him 6th as my sleeper pick this year.

Jason Yeager – AKA “Yag Bomb”. He’s 28 years old and can’t see him having more than 3 friends with Taylor Hicks being one of them. A complete dink for being 28 years old and one older guy who had absolutely no stage presence at all. Judges didn’t have anything good to say and is one of my choices to go home the first week. Any three of us would’ve been crazy to draft this no talent pussy.

Robbie Carrico – AKA “Rock of Love”. This Brett Michaels-like singer was a “hot one” and seems to be an early candidate for a top 5 finish. The judges thought he did his own thing on state and did it well which can be a rarity on opening night. Simon is a little confused to what type of singer he is so hopefully Robbie takes his advice and finds his genre ASAP. He’s our Bo Bice this year and if guys don’t step up, he’ll be one of the last guys remaining. Q drafted him 3rd overall with his 1st pick.

David Archuleta – AKA “Danny” (Watch “The Score” to see the “Danny” reference). This 17-year-old youngster is phenomenal on stage but might be the worst interview this show has come across. Winning American Idol might require some interview skills so hopefully somebody sits this kid down to help him out because he doesn’t have a chance right now. The fans might hear some George W. Bush lines if this kid doesn’t seek help soon. His best bet might be just to smile on stage and let no sounds come out of his mouth. I chose him #1 overall for his singing abilities. Please help parents!

Danny Noriega – AKA “Mitch Kramer” (See: “Dazed and Confused”). His hair is straight from the 70’s and some of the tightest pants known to man. I believe his pants had something to do with Simon absolutely shredding this kid like Jim Rome put it to Jim “Chris” Everett. He is definitely not straight, which fine, but this about as blatantly obvious one male could be. His musical influence is Fantasia from a previous American Idol which also gives him no chance of winning this contest. We know you love those tight pants so you might as well keep them on for tomorrow night’s show and also the elimination show because Simon already hates you. Mitchy went un-drafted.

Luke Menard – AKA “GQ”. He probably doesn’t even dress that GQ but one of the only guys who wore something relatively normal. Luke is 29 years old and being that old makes it very tough to get a lot of votes because the voters are usually under the age of 21. The age isn’t going to be his problem though because he sang like he was getting butt-plugged in the county jail shower. His favorite quote is “Don’t fight. But if you have to...hit first and hit hard”. OK tough guy, you are the farthest from the fighting type so chill out and pray you aren’t gone on Thursday.

Colton Berry – AKA “Fuzz”. He has hair like our very own TK writer “Fuzz,” which I don’t know is a good or bad thing. The fans saw him sitting Indian style on the couch about 3” away from Seacrest so he’s got that great male vibe going for him as well. I enjoy the name Colton but the judges nor myself enjoyed his singing. He tried very hard and it was almost like when the Vikings drafted Chris Hovan and the analysis was “He has a great motor”. This type of person tries extremely hard but just isn’t that good as was the case with Hovan. The judges didn’t like him early but could be a late bloomer in my mind because he’ll get the teeny votes. He went un-drafted.

Garrett Haley – AKA “Steel Dragon” (See: “Rockstar”). “Go Big or go home” is his favorite quote which is classic but he was head over heels the worst singer on opening night. The kid was like a fucking mannequin on stage and didn’t know how to speak after his performance. I would be very surprised if he was still around for week 2. If he is, we can count on “2 and BBQ” for him because there is no way he gets by week 2.

Jason Castro – AKA “Bobby Marley”. His age of 20 is the perfect age to win this competition and his stage presence was outstanding. He has a great voice and does his own thing on stage with the long thick dreadlocks. Simon of course enjoyed him because he was wearing some sort of v-neck which Simon rocks every damn show. More v-necks will equal more votes for this tool shed. He was drafted 2nd overall by Fuzz.

Michael Johns – AKA “Desmond” (See: Lost) or “Jimmy Johns”. This Aussie-accent mother fucker is old but he can belt out some serious notes. The women will go crazy over his accent so he’ll some serious text message votes from every female out there. I don’t know if this over-exaggerated accent will win him the competition but he’s an early frontrunner for the crown. He was drafted 5th overall by Fuzz.

As you can see, Fuzz, Q and I took 2 dudes that we gave nicknames to and all will select two chicks after tonight’s performances. The first night was a successful one with all 3 of us prancing around like 9 year old girls. Yes, even for the dudes. Moment of the night goes to Simon ripping Paula into shreds every opportunity he got. I would’ve as well since she was 2 lines of cocaine away from holy shit. Honestly Paula, do yourself a favor and check yourself in.